Its surely been a long time since i’ve written an emotional post. I think its time to just vent out some things i’ve been keeping for the past 3-4 years. Lets just start with ‘It sure has been a chaotic and roller coaster like adventure’. Ranging from family disasters to friendship and relationships. Where can I start this off… Looking back from todays thoughts, I just want to go back into the situations where I felt I made the wrong choices, the thoughts where I regret my actions or actions that I never took due to my selfishness.
Lets get the family relations out and dusted first. Travelling back into time 3-4 years ago, I saw myself as a horrible person for the choices I made. I made and put so much hardship towards my parents that at the start of 2011 a dear and role model family member was diagnosed with cancer. During this time I noticed that I put friends over family, and during this time of judgement, I went out; having fun where then the family member was gone at the strike of midnight (not exactly). It took at least 4 months after this event that I realised my actions before and during that situation. I put the blame all on me and thats when shit suddenly wet hard towards all my problems. I could not look at myself the way I did. I now saw myself as a prick, a heartless person, a person that should be miserable for the rest of his life. I couldn’t help it. With this just suddenly firing away, I was dealing with more problems. Now lets move on…
Before that tragic event… I was between a choice within the relations of friendship. Lets just name the groups: F1 and F2. F1 consisted of a crush that I had interest in. Whereas F2 was more seen with a group of friends that knew each other. Within F1 and F2, there was some conflict of disagreement whenever I chose to hang out with 1. Example, I would hang out with F1 one day, then F2 would have the choice to leave me out with other plans. Although within F1 friendship, since I had a crush within one of the members, that member was the opposite and had other interests with another. This is the cause of me to have that choice. To see two of my friends go at it, and try ignore it? Or to move on, and go with F2? Sure me and that certain person had a good bond, talked regularly. Moments where her friends would mention our interests and connection. But, me at the time could not handle such emotional conflict with a good friend. So i left F1, move into F2. After that, I never heard off any of the members within F1. So now… this is where the goods are. Be prepared.
Just a little side note for this tale. I was a quiet, shy individual that didn’t really socialise with anyone unless someone actually made the move to invite me forward. So within this group I started off as a freshman. Just starting to get to know one another. Until one day, someone randomly says “Hello”. Who would have known this person I barely knew, who suddenly said hello to me would be someone I saw differently to everyone else. As she started convos, had regular talks, got to know one another much stronger than the other members. I started to gain that similar emotion. I was happy that I was able to find someone to be that one person. But not knowing much of her, I did not know she had an interest and was seeing someone else at the time. Not until at least 3/4 months in. Not knowing, I started to grow a much larger relation with this person. Eliminating all my worries. As so I thought. Till the day, I realised that this person. Had a boyfriend. I was shattered. I was left in that exact same situation before all this with my previous crush. I had thoughts to leave and stop interacting with this person. But… I just didn’t want to take a risk of regretting my choice like what I had did with the crush within F1. So what did I do? I bottled my emotions and love for this person. Acting like a friend that didn’t have any interest for this person. Although at the time I was dying. Dying from seeing and hearing them together. Nevertheless also bottling up the loss of my family member at the same time. I didn’t talk to my mother about any of this as I felt ashamed and thought that my mother would start to feel worried and upset after her loss as well. I chose to keep it hush to protect everyone around me. I did it well for at least 6 months. Until… I was introduced with that blade. The blade really changed everything. I then saw another view of myself: Still a selfish person, but not seeing the world as a dark and evil place. I took the blade and sliced with a count of 26 cuts. This went on for 8 months. But going too far. During the relationship with this certain person. I was keeping it quiet for at least a year… I told one of her siblings 7 months in to our friendship. I was still hesitant. So why was I? 1. I didn’t want to be the cause of a break up/argument. 2. I didn’t want to lose this person no matter what. 3. Since I was going through a dark phrase and saw nothing but unhappiness, talking and having company from this person really lifted my spirits and made me see a glance of happiness and light in the world. As cheesy as that sounded, It was true to the bottom of my heart. Yes, thats very selfish of me to hold onto someone that was clearly either out of my reach, and that the fact that she had someone to love.
After the year mark of bottling up, I took the courage to confess my interest. It wasn’t awkward or anything. But nothing was helped. I was still hurt and dying emotionally. Hiding the slicing. After a long 2 or so years, I revealed my pain and cuts to this person. Sure it put her into this frame of disappointment and guilt. But… I really tried not to put the blame onto her. Shit went on for 2 years where I wasn’t recovering or healing from the emotional break downs. I had wished I never revealed those words to her. It would have never ended like how it was now. If i could go back I would honestly go back to the time we started to grow with other and just leave her and her other half in peace. I feel so bad that I put so much sorrow and hardship to both parties. And this was all because of my act of selfishness. Once again… more regrets, more what if… more blame to myself.
Everything I do, everywhere I go. Im causing trouble. These words flowed through my head everyday since the events. Attempt of suicide 4 times. Reckless actions to try cause an accident to die has been countless. Still seen as a form of suicide so add that to the list.
I just wish I could go back. Back and fix all my selfish acts. Make everyone happy and leaving me with no regrets to the cause of making others sad. I would really want to have regrets where it left me miserable then to be miserable because I caused something bad to someone.
I wish things never took this turn. I miss everything that was precious, loved and my source of light and happiness to this world. Parts of my wants it back. Part doesnt to get rid of my selfish and douchebag acts. But… thats life. Its nothing just 1 can do.